I’ve been meaning to write this letter for some time now, but as you well know, life, time, and kids always tend to get the better of me. You would think “life” just encompasses all those things, but it doesn’t, does it? Life seems to be and move completely separate of time. And the kids? Well, the kids are just two worlds of their own! They dominate everything and everywhere. ? But anyway, enough about that, this letter is about YOU.
I know I tell you “thank you” often. I know I thank you for all that you do, when you cook, when you clean, when you get up to wash my coffee cup in the morning because I can’t even deal before my coffee hits my soul. Yes, I know I thank you often for all those things, and I know that you do not even expect that. You just do what you do because you love us, you love me. You lay your life down for your family, you lay your life down for those you love, just as Jesus did.
But the thing is, I don’t think you realize the depth and the magnitude of your value to this family, to me. And sometimes, I don’t think I do either, but it is not lost on me. I recognize what you do and how much you do far more than you do, and often times it makes me sad even. Sad because I don’t ever want you to feel empty. I don’t ever want you to feel overlooked or without passion. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re simply wasting your time, day in and day out, and you simply can’t connect to what God has or is calling you to do because you have too much to deal with in your own family.
You have too much to worry about when it comes to me and my anxieties and struggles. You don’t want to burden me and you don’t want me to feel overwhelmed, as I often have before, so you carry the burden of everything that needs to be done. Day in and day out… you do it all. You don’t complain. You rarely even ask for help. And you still stand there and support me in everything I do. You still stand there and make me laugh and have a lightness in your spirit and your heart. The heavy burden that I know you bear everyday doesn’t seem to weigh down on your heart, even though it seems like it should. I’m sure that is simply the love and grace of God flowing through you, doing what only He can do and working through you in such a wonderful way, even if you can’t see it.
I know this life is drastically different from where you once were and where you thought you’d be. Now, I know in many ways its WAY better… like… ya know… your craziness from your younger days. ? Haha! But that’s not really what I’m referring to even. I often feel like I robbed you of the way you wanted your life to go, of your security, and even your sense of self. Before we were together, you had financial stability, and since marrying me, its been anything but, ?? and I’m sorry for that. Budgeting has never been my strong suit, but I do know I’m trying to get better for you. 😉
Before we were together, you did things you loved to do. You had hobbies, heck you even had friends! LOL. I know the old saying, “The only thing that never changes is that nothing stays the same”, and while I realize that’s 1000% true, I still just feel guilty because I haven’t done right by you in a lot of ways and because of that there are things that changed or have happened that simply just shouldn’t have. I guess this letter has taken on a different form than I was evening planning for it to originally…!
This letter wasn’t meant to be my sob story of how bad I am, or even to be an apology or anything related to that. However, as I’ve let my fingers type my brain has taken a turn of its own and directed things a little differently than I had imagined. So I guess in a sense, at least for this first part, I do want to say I’m sorry. Even though I know if you’re reading this you are thinking that everything I have said isn’t true and that’s not how you feel about things at all (your usual response), I still needed it to be said. I still needed you to know that I could never have even dreamed of a better husband, father, or best friend to spend my life with.
Things are a lot different than I had imagined them too. I never realized the toll that having children would take on me, as silly as that sounds. I didn’t realize how much it would drain me mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Now I know some more wise and mature mothers out there are probably reading this and thinking how naïve I am or must have been, and that’s probably true. I was naïve. I still am in far too many ways, but I’m trying. God’s growing me. It’s all a process. LOL. ?
That however, is beside the point. I think what gets me the most is how I’ve allowed all the negativity and self-loathing that has come these past few years to affect my relationships. Every single one, but of them most importantly my relationship with Jesus, and then my relationship with you. I look at old pictures of us, back when we were just starting out. I look at the picture in this post of us on our wedding day, and I remember every feeling. I remember the joy, the anticipation, the excitement, the hope of our future together. I remember feeling beautiful to you. I remember feeling confident in myself, in who I God said I was and in what He called me to do. I remember just being so free, so in love with life, with you. I still am so in love with you, just so you know. LOL. But my love of life has seemed to fade… worries, stress, finances, sickness, kids, my fat self. ?? Ok, maybe that last one wasn’t necessary, but the facts still remain. ?
Well, here I am again, not sure what to write or where I was even going with this… ha. I just wanted you to know I’m still here. I’m still the girl you married. I just need to find her again. I need to reignite the passion and zeal God placed in me before. I have to get rid of all the crap I have allowed to pile up in my life and my mind that has simply put out the flame in me.
My body may never be what it was again. I may never again be a size 2, ? LOL, but I know that doesn’t change your view of me. I just have to readjust MY view of me. I just want you to know how much I love you, how much I need you, how greatly I depend on you. I know a lot of people say being dependent on someone else is weakness, or that it isn’t healthy. While I agree to some extent and in some circumstances that may be true, that isn’t the slightest way how I feel about you. I love that I am wholeheartedly dependent on you. Now, as we both know, Jesus deserves to be number 1 in our lives, and we strive to always make that so! But just under my Savior and Lord, is you my love, and I don’t want it any other way. I am so grateful to God that you are the greatest blessing He has given me aside from His Son!
I know my family often makes fun of you for all you do for me. They say you won’t ever tell me “no” or talk back to me, and that essentially you’re really nothing more to me than a whipping post. I know they say all of that in joking ways and they (probably) don’t mean it (for the most part). 😉 But I know what they say is “weakness” or being “whipped” is actually just love. It’s service. It’s strength and power and grace. I may never understand how you became who you are, other than the grace of God, LOL, (and your mama, cuz let’s be real she’s a SAINT) but I am so grateful for every aspect of you. Even the annoying parts that really make me want to throw you off a bridge sometimes.
So, this letter really seemed to get away from me and just kind of took on a life of its own. ??♀️ That seems to happen a lot for me these days… Anyway, I hope even a slight part of this whole crazy ramble meant something to you. I hope even if just a little bit you can tell how deeply I love you. And I hope that maybe for moment while you were reading this, we were just two BFF’s again, driving around town, singing backstreet boys at the top of our lungs.
I may miss those days, but I am so grateful for the days we are in now, and even more so for the ones ahead. Thank you Jesus! And thank you, my Love. I wouldn’t be where I am today without God first, and you second. I love you always.
P.S. To those who actually read this thing, I salute you. ? So here’s some pictures to take you through the years with us. ❤️